Watching me Slip into Insanity
by If Only Cacti Could Fly
Summary: Sasuke retells the tale of what happened the night he got his first kiss. The good and the bad and every detail inbetween. He also talks about the audience in his head watching him slip into insanity ItaSasu sort of onesided Rated for dark themes No Lemon


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters, they all belong to Masashi Kishimoto, but if I did own them, all of

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto or any of the characters, they all belong to Masashi Kishimoto, but if I did own them, all of the female characters would be killed off almost immediately and it would be one big yaoi-palooza.

**Warning: **This is yaoi, intimate interaction between two males. It is also incest, not only that but it is interaction between a very young… six year old boy, and a thirteen year old boy. If you do not like this kind of stuff or do not believe in it then please click the back arrow (located next to the forward arrow and on my internet it is on the far left side of the browser, if it is different on yours then please locate it _**now**_). And I hope the letters hit you on the way out and scar you for life, because yaoi is my one true passion and you have destroyed it in a burning red flame of homophobic hatred…Thank you very much!

This is a one shot for a very dear reviewer and I am so sorry it took this long!! SasukesHalfEatenRiceBall I hope you enjoy this one shot you have patiently waited for! Again, I am truly sorry for such a long wait!!

The one shot is set before Itachi killed the Uchiha clan, but after Shisui was killed.

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It all started one day; I remember how it began very clearly. It was the day Itachi slipped away from me. I remember thinking:

Nii-san was so distant, sadly, it was getting worse and worse as the days went on, they seemed to drag at an agonizingly slow pace too. Itachi hasn't been around much since Shisui was pronounced dead, actually the last time I saw him was maybe a week ago, he looked paler than usual. I knew he hadn't eaten in a while, not only did I never see him attend dinner anymore, he looked unhealthily skinny, he has everyone in our family, and the Uchiha clan worried; but I know I'm worried the most.

Not only do I know that I am the most worried, but I know that I care about him the most, even more than mother or father. Everyone just cares about his strength, not about his feelings, even mother, usually so compassionate, had turned bitter toward the fact that Itachi has been taking this harshly enough to actually stop training. But I know that it doesn't matter how strong he is, he will always be a member of the Uchiha clan, he doesn't have to be a prodigy to be good enough, he already is.

I almost resented Shisui. I was so envious of the older male; without even trying he would captivate Itachi's attention. Nothing I could do would ever have the same affect on Itachi, and now, with him locked up in his room for a majority of the week, I don't suppose I'd ever get that chance. It was Shisui who took that opportunity away from me. It was he who had taken Itachi himself right from out of my grasp. Not only did everything he do draw Itachi's attention, but when he died; Itachi thought about him all the time.

Nothing would ever change, I knew that much at least. Shisui would always be on his mind, and I would always be pushed to the corner, no matter what I did; I would never be good enough to be a thought in the Prodigy's mind, or anyone's for that matter, I was so insignificant. Everyone in this clan, in this even _village _pushed me to the side. I was a shadow on the street taking up space.

Whenever some one talked to me it was about Itachi or about Shisui, and I thought they were talked about a lot before! Is this what happens when you die? Does everyone suddenly start to talk about you to everyone else in the family? Or anyone that would listen for that matter! It didn't strike me as fair, I didn't even feel as if my parent's cared anymore; all they talked about, even to me, was Itachi, and why he was so damn depressed!

It was never going to end, I decided _that_ two months ago; when Shisui had been dead for three month and no one had eased up on talking about Shisui or Itachi they were the topic of conversation, as if they weren't before this incident!!

Now Shisui had been dead for seven months, more than half of a **year** and the situation, all of the murmuring, gossip, and talking about them had all but bettered. Some of the things that people said were just cruel and nasty.

"_I bet they were lovers!" "Itachi killed him, no doubt about it!" "The Uchiha clan is going to go down hill, with Shisui dead and Itachi all but dead!!" "Did you hear Shisui died? Itachi's taking it pretty hard, he'll probably end up committing suicide like Shisui did." "I wonder if that Prodigy of the Uchiha clan is dead yet, __**I**__ heard he was starving himself to death."_ And other nasty horrible things along the lines of that.

But the one that irritated him most was the fact that a majority of the village and almost _**all**_ of the Uchiha clan, including our mother and father and Shisui's parents as well, thought the same thing, that Itachi and Shisui were lovers. Maybe it infuriated me that much because I thought that they were right too…

I couldn't help but be suspicious. The way they always snuck around together and went to isolated areas until all hours of the night, it was too, just **too**… I don't know… the only thing I really knew was I didn't like it, I want to be that close to Itachi, I wanted to go to places were no one _ever_ went and stay for hours, I wanted Itachi to talk to _me_ for a change. This sounds very selfish, I'm aware of that, but its gotten to the point were I don't care how self centered I sounded.

Shisui was all the more rude and ignorant because he kept Itachi's beautiful personality _and_ beautiful features hidden from the world, he kept them all to himself, never bothering to think that other people wanted to be around Itachi, and when Shisui took his own life, it was all the more selfish of him, I _know_ he _knew_ that Itachi would end up like this, he did this on _**purpose**_ to insure himself that Itachi would never want to be with anyone again. It was all part of his master plan!

And, like everything a successful Uchiha does, Shisui's plan worked to a "T" and Itachi would never want to pay attention to anyone ever again, and since he didn't pay any attention to me before, what's going to make him want to even have a thought drift to me? I'll tell you, **nothing**! He never wanted me around and he never will. I'll forever be stuck between choosing two of the tragic realities, that I will most likely be faced with living in, 1) Knowing Itachi doesn't love me and living with it, or 2) Knowing Itachi doesn't love me but trying to get a straight answer from him anyway.

As ultimately shocking as it was to everyone, everyone being the little audience inside my head watching me slip into insanity, I was going to pick number two, I was going to go to Itachi's room, and I was going to tell him how I feel about him and… well… I'll just see were it takes me from there.

Another reason I wanted to go to Itachi's room and talk to him, I wanted to ask about Shisui, for some reason, some terrifying reason that made me shiver just thinking about it, I wanted to know what happened to Shisui. More like… I wanted to know if he killed Shisui or not. I know it was stupid and I was probably just reacting to gossip, but all of the proof was there, they were the only two that didn't go to the meeting that day, they spent every waking moment with each other, for heaven's sake they were conjoint at the fucking hip!!

I tried to tell myself… many times… more times than I could care to count, that it was just a coincidence, it wasn't Itachi that killed him, Shisui killed _himself, _he did I all on his own, Itachi was just being framed for Shisui's stupidity, he didn't _do_ anything!

But no matter how many times I try to convince myself that it isn't him, there is a voice in my head filling my thoughts with doubt, making my nightmares about them shockingly and horrifyingly real to a degree were I would wake at twilight screaming a blood curdling scream, that made my own ears hurt, in a cold sweat, with warm salty tears pooling into my pillow and sheets.

But no matter how loud I screamed, how much I hurt my ears, or how much I drenched myself with my own tears. No one came. Not mother, father, Itachi, _or _any of the Uchiha clan, I _**knew**_they heard me, who couldn't? That confirmed the fact that no one cared, no one wanted to bother, everyone just brushed me off, like they always did.

As I approached Itachi's door, I had to push my confidence to it's breaking point to get myself to knock on the door to his room, and I haven't even seen his perfect emotionless face, or seen his beautiful eyes, or heard his monotonous voice, let alone utter two words to him!

I took a deep breath and was just about to knock on the thin door when I heard "Come in Sasuke." Coming from the other side of the door.

I opened it just enough to let myself squeeze in, barely. I couldn't talk; he rendered me speechless; everything that was about him was drop dead gorgeous. I didn't even _try_ to say anything, instead I just stood there a blush plastered on my face, staring at my Nii-san, who didn't look healthy in the least bit… he was staring back, his eyes didn't hold any emotion and his stoic face didn't reveal anything about how he felt either.

"Yes?" He asked slight irritation ending his words. "U-uu-u-m-mm…" Was the best I could manage, I was pathetic, I looked like a beaten puppy, my eyes were big, I sank back into the wall in a vain attempt to blend in, and I was visibly trembling, God I really was paltry, wasn't I? No wonder everyone thought I was insignificant.

I was.

"Come here." Itachi commanded pointing to his bed that was located next to his desk, I knew what he was doing, this was an attempt to make me more comfortable, so I would calm down, he did it quite a bit when he was actually home and _not_ running around with Shisui, which wasn't very often.

I obliged happy to get away from the door incase the conversation got tense and I ran out like in the past. When I sat down in the middle of the bed, Itachi turned to me and asked again.

"What do you want Sasuke?" His voice held patience but his face held irritation, I decided that he was irritated, because who wouldn't be irritated by a little child that they hated and didn't want to be around.

"I want to know what happened to Shisui." I blurted out before I had time to think clearly. His eyes grew wide, as did mine.

"There is nothing to know." Itachi responded icily. The words hit me like a thousand daggers, piercing my skin and making me want to scream and cry in pain.

"Why did he kill himself?" I once again blurted out before I had time to become scared of talking to him.

"Sometimes… If someone really loves someone… they are willing to die for the other's benefit." It wasn't what I'd expected him to say, not in the least! It rendered me speechless, but as if someone was controlling my body in the midst of a nightmare made me press on.

"So… he let you kill him?" I questioned as I cocked my head to the side. He gave me one of his signature dead glares, but it didn't even seem to faze me, I was so oblivious that I wouldn't realized if he strangled me right now, though I'm wishing he did before I spoke my next sentence.

"I love you." Itachi's eyes grew wider than they did last time but when he realized what I was saying, or perhaps who I was he didn't seem to care anymore.

"I know." He apparently didn't understand, and that made my eyes water a little, nobody understood me!

"No! You don't understand!" I said talking slightly louder than I did before. Itachi rolled his eyes at that.

"Yes, I do." He assured me calmly and uncaringly. This made the tears come faster to my eyes; they started to form a stream running down my cheeks and off of the end of my chin onto my clothing.

"No! I love you like Shisui does!!" I screamed at him feel the hot tears coming down my cheeks made me even more upset and on top of that weak and defenseless. His eyes opened wider than I've ever seen him open any part of his body, except maybe his arms…

"Sasuke…" He was trying to reason with me but that wasn't what I wanted to hear and quite frankly I wasn't going to listen!

"No!" I yelled as I shook my head fiercely "Stop! I love you! I know you don't love me! I know that nobody does! Don't try to tell me differently!!" My voice was cracking dangerously, so much so I doubt he understood anything that I said. The tears were coming faster than I thought was possible. They felt like fire on my skin scorching every part that it touched.

I stopped shaking my head and just started sobbing soundlessly. Knowing that Itachi didn't care.

"Sasuke, that's not true." I looked up at him and he face didn't portray any emotion what so ever. It enraged me, because his voice effortlessly held false comfort and pity.

"Stop lying to me!! Everyone knows it's true!! The only one you ever loved was Shisui!! You killed him and he let you!! I won't listen to a murder!!" I started sobbing loudly again my hands attached to my head eyes shut tightly. I desperately want get up and run away hiding my shame from him, but I couldn't move.

I heard Itachi's chair hit the floor as he stood up; I could feel the tension hanging in the air. I didn't care; I just couldn't bring myself to. I just sat, sobbing. Then I felt warm arms around me. Embracing me.

I looked up in fear and shock. Itachi's eyes were closed. His face still didn't show any sign of any sort of emotion.

'_He doesn't mean it! He just wants you to stop crying! He only loves Shisui! He hates you! Your existence enrages him!'_ The hollow voice in my head was ringing in my ear and I couldn't help but believing it.

Suddenly I fiercely pushed him away from me and ran away into the confines of my room, I could tell my sudden movement shocked Itachi. I could tell by the puzzlement on his face saying _'Isn't this what you wanted?'_

I once again didn't care. I couldn't take this any longer, I didn't want to anymore! I ran into my room and slammed the door I heard my mother sigh from somewhere in the house. Like she didn't want to deal with this right now.

I grabbed a kunai out of my desk drawer; it was the one my brother had given me when I'd gotten into the academy. I've always kept it safely away from all of the others, on account of it had a love kanji in the middle of it.

I angled it so it would hit on of my vital organs and the only thought in my mind was _'I love you! I'm willing to die for you!' _I pushed the kunai forcefully into my stomach; I felt blood from my mouth mix with the tears that were still flowing heavily from my eyes. I could feel my self on the verge of consciousness.

It hurt like hell, but I took comfort in the fact that it would all be over soon. Just as my mind started to slow Itachi burst into my room and gasped lightly.

"What are you doing?" He asked astonished looking at me for the first time in his life dumbfounded.

"P-pro-ving t-that I l-ll-ov-ve you." I stuttered weakly. His face fell slightly as he walked out. Even now, he didn't care; he was jus aggravated with all of the attempts I've made to desperately try to show him that I loved him.

Much to my surprise he entered my room again with a few items in his hands. He knelt down beside me and slowly started to remove the kunai in my chest. Then he proceeded to clean the wound that it left. _'Was Itachi actually helping me? Did he not want me do die?'_ I asked myself trying to process this confusing evidence with any avail.

"You didn't hit anything vital." He informed me as he continued to treat my wound then dress it accordingly. _'Great, I'm even a failure at killing myself.' _I thought grimly.

When Itachi finished wrapping the wound on my chest he picked me up and put me into my bed. I felt for once in my life privileged. I bet he never did this to Shisui. Or at least I hope he didn't.

"Listen," Itachi's serious voice broke the silence and my train of thought. "Don't ever do that again." He sounded worried almost! It made me fell good.

"If you ever try that again I will personally finish you off." He continued, "And it _won't _be for my own benefit… It will be for my own _pleasure._" He both his voice **and** his face gave off the same message _'I'm serious, don't fuck around.' _

This should have sounded threatening it should have sounded malicious and hostile, but instead it lifted my spirits higher than they have ever been. _'He cared!'_ was the only thing that was running through my head.

Although, all my thoughts were erased when I felt soft, warm lips press firmly against my own. Even though they only stayed there for a few seconds that was all I needed to feel tears of joy slowly start to run down my face.

Itachi got up and walked out from my room, but before he left completely I heard Itachi say "I love you," It could and probably was my imagination, but that didn't matter. **He kissed me!!** He reallytruly kissed me!! Take that Shisui! Your attempt to keep Itachi all to yourself was in vain! You've lost Itachi! I've won finally!!

That was what happened… Well… The only good thing that had happened.

The next day I found out that Itachi was pronounced dead, with his hands clutching a kunai with the kanji that meant 'love' inscribed in it.

Shisui had won, I was not the victor. He had taken the only thing that mattered to me, and I could do nothing but remember the first and last kiss he had given me, and hope that one day I would forget everything that had ever happened that day.

But it hasn't happened, and I doubt it ever will. I am stuck inside my own head with everyone, everyone being the little audience inside my head watching me slip into insanity, and wait until the fateful last day of my life comes, I would kill myself, but Itachi told me not to…

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It was a little but upsetting, and long, but I liked it!! Tell me what you thought of it! I hoped you enjoyed it, especially you, SasukesHalfEatenRiceBall!! I hope it was worth the wait!


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